Tampons ( For Fat Chicks Only!)

I wish, wish, wish someone had told me this when I was younger. Since I'm officially "old" now, I feel the need to tell you. And you alone. Well, you and a million other fat women.

Not all tampons work for all fat women. There, I said it.

When I was young, I tried tampons off and on in my late teens. I had very little luck with them staying in. If I had a heavy flow ~at all~, the thing would basically pop out before I really wanted it to. No bueno.

So, for years, I figured it was me. No way would I risk tampons. I would instead, wear the heavy pads and hope for no leaks. It was messy and well, I'm here to tell you, it doesn't need to be that way.

Not all tampons work for all fat women. The two varieties I tried were the ones my mom used and the ones that I tried in the bathrooms at school. They were relatively hard little puffs of cotton. I picture them as pellets that would shoot from my vagina. Not a good thing.

So, one day several years ago, I tried tampons again. The clouds opened and a ray of sunshine fell upon my head. It was a miracle. These tampons stayed...and did the whole "dam up the pipes and collect goodness along the way" job...and they were predictable. It was a beautiful thing! Tampons had become my friends. (For those who really need to know, they are Kotex Security brand).

For years, I've relied upon these plugs o' goodness for my sanity. Then, one day recently, while on vacation, I needed some while at a filling station. They didn't have my brand. So, with naive confidence that somehow my vagina had suddenly learned how to use the hard cotton plugs of old, I gave it a good old college try.

Bullets of bloody cotton were shot from my loins. (Artistic license!)

Not all tampons work for all fat women.

Try different brands until you find the one. You will be glad you did.

Confession Time

I like to watch golf on TV on Sunday afternoons. Not just any golf, only PGA, and more specifically Tiger Woods and occasionally Phil Michelson. Ok, really just Tiger, but you know, Phil will do in a pinch.

I used to think that watching golf on TV was as exciting as watching paint dry, as the old cliche goes. Well, you know, I think I actually do appreciate paint drying now. There's so many subtle layers to it that I never realized previously. Ever see a fly land on wet paint? Yeah, it's pretty dang exciting.

OK, back to the confession at hand. So, yeah, golf. I'm not going to say it's as thrilling as a really good suspense movie, but if you actually watch golfers who are really, really good, it's pretty exciting seeing them miss a putt or as in today's game...winning the tournament by making a really good putt.

I'll watch and do other things, come back to the tele and see how the game's going. I don't typically watch the whole thing, but I do feel bad if I miss an exciting play or the last few holes of a tournament. I would have really been remiss if I missed today's tourny winning putt and Tiger's exuberant reaction. He's usually so very composed, don'tchaknow.

There, I'm glad I've gotten that off my chest. It really is embarassing especially since I used to say, "How could anyone stand to watch golf on TV??!? EWWW". So, yeah, now I know.