Dial The Wrong Number?

Note to all wayward dialers: when reaching an answering machine of
unknown origin, do NOT leave your credit card info.

I'm a little bit purple

I'm not a huge purple afficianado. I mean as color it's quite nice and it's in the rainbow, so how bad can it be? Suffice it to say, I'm not a purple obsessee. What I do like is lavender. The lavender in the garden is starting to bloom and it made me think, "HUH...I'm downright taken with the scent." You see, much of my toiletries are scented with lavender and by default they're bespeckled with purple. My shampoo. My bath soap -- Ivory now has a lavender scented variety and ME LOVES IT. It's not quite as pure as the regular scent, but heck, I'll give up my purity (he!) for a fresh lavender scent. My body lotion. My deodorant. And, last but not least, my shavers. Yes, for some reason the brains-that-be at ye olde Bic's plastic wares plant thought it was important to scent women's shavers with lavender. Methinks the idea came from a woman with a hairy lip. While shaving your legs or your pits there's very little chance you'll catch a sweet whiff of the shaver's handle...but under your nose...YUP...you can smell it! How sweet it is!

Photos of the Week

Time seriously moves faster for me...so, ummm...the "weekly" timing of the photos is more like 10-14 days. I guess that's more like a dog-week, right? Ahem. Anyway, this week's photo is posted, as well as several previous weeks, too.

It *should be* warmer.

We've had a cooler than normal Spring here in the upper part of Utah. It's been delightful and due to the abundance of rain, too, it's quite green. Typically the green of the grasslands are already starting to turn brown by now. Despite the beauty of the weather, I feel the need to complain about the weather forecasts. Time and time again, the weather forecasts will state, "we SHOULD BE 80 today." Accent mine on the "should be". There is no SHOULD BE in weather. There are averages and typicals, but there isn't a SHOULD BE. UGH. It chaps my hide! "The average is around 80," or "typically we are at 80" -- both have the same amount of words but mean so much different than "SHOULD BE". It's especially annoying when you realize that there are only 100 or so years recorded when figuring out the averages they use. It's a miniscule sample of years when you think of how old the Earth really is. Who's to say what SHOULD BE the temperature today? I seriously need a mocha...

Worshipping False Idols

I rarely see "famous" people, but I'm having a good run with American Idol celebs. First there was the spotting of Simon Cowell in Vegas in April. Tonight, there was cute little David Archuleta who walked in with a group of his friends while we were waiting for a table at Cafe Med in Salt Lake City. We made eye contact! Woot! (I'm sure there are millions of pre-teen girls who are SOOO jealous of me now! heheh.)

It was good to see him hanging out with normal kids on a Friday night. I always wonder if after appearing on shows like that they end up getting dragged into a world full of "handlers" and agents. It was good, too, that while he has a sizeable share of fame going on right now, especially in Utah, he was able to eat, talk and giggle with his friends without much interruption. When he was interrupted by a mom and an adoring fan, he was VERY gracious and accomodating. This photo was from that moment. We were tempted, but didn't tell him of the message from a girl in Colorado that we got for him. :-)

Updates on Etsy

I've added a few more Crippy Crafts to Etsy. Check 'em out:

Maybe it's just me...

But at this stage of the political game, the "undecided" Democratic Superdelegates are just political superpussies. Pick your frickin' candidate already. Everyone else had to vote already...

In unrelated news...

The herd in the backyard is growing. Run away!!

Not to be outdone by Nevada

...well, actually, it has been outdone by Nevada (see this post from a few weeks ago). I'm starting to wonder if there's not some sort of issue with desert air and the need to display old shoes on trees? This beauty was found in Milford, Utah. In the middle of the small town, not in the middle of *nowhere* as the Nevada shoe tree was, so that probably accounts for its diminutive size.

Phone a friend

Truth be told, we screen our calls to our home phone. If you want to talk, leave a message. Last night, we get three calls in row without a message. We don't use caller ID, 'cuz you know, we'd be ignoring more calls. Because of this limitation and curiousity about the three calls and no message, Ivan dials *69. It's someone from Pueblo, Colorado. As soon as he puts the phone down, the thing rings again. Ok, fine, he's gotta answer now even though we've got no idea who would be calling from Pueblo.

He answers and a girl on the other line says, "Is David there?"

"I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's no one here by that name," replies Ivan.

"Oh, ok, thanks." says the disappointed girl.

Ivan hangs up and almost as soon as the phone hits the desk, the phone rings again. Ivan answers, "Hello."

"Hi, I forgot to ask. Do you know any Davids?"

"I know several. What's the last name?" queries Ivan.

"Archuleta."

"No, sorry, I don't know him," Ivan states to the crushed girl.

I'm really hoping for the girl's parents sake that they've got free long distance and/or free minutes on the cell phone. We're guessing she's trying every number in the Salt Lake Valley. Go, persistant girl, go!

For those of you who aren't aware, David Archuleta is the kid on American Idol that is from Murray, Utah. The local news was reporting that the kid was back in town after a break from the TV show, so you know, his groupies must be following as closely as they can.

Fat 'n' Flexible

While I like to believe I would look like this if in fact I were flexible enough to do it.

I know for a fact, this is about all I'm capable of. Both of these images are from this site: Eastern Serenity which has a whole line of fat "yoga fanatics" in bronze. Kinda cute, don'tcha think?

Trash to Treasure

 

 

Ivan took these photos of the famous "Nevada Shoe Tree" this past weekend. This shoe tree is in the middle of "nowhere Nevada". Seriously far from any city of significant size. I do think it's really thoughtful to offer up shoes to Mother Nature (or wandering people lost in the desert for that matter.) While part of me thinks "what a waste of a perfectly good tree...oh, and shoes, too", the rest of me is thankful for odd traditions in our American landscape.

PSA - NOLOSE Conference

I received a request to spread the news about the "NOLOSE '08" conference. For those interested or even curious, it's scheduled for September 26th-28th in Northampton, Massachusetts. NOLOSE invites all fat queer women, all fat trans and gender-variant folks and allies to participate. Go here for more information on the conference.

Tampons ( For Fat Chicks Only!)

I wish, wish, wish someone had told me this when I was younger. Since I'm officially "old" now, I feel the need to tell you. And you alone. Well, you and a million other fat women.

Not all tampons work for all fat women. There, I said it.

When I was young, I tried tampons off and on in my late teens. I had very little luck with them staying in. If I had a heavy flow ~at all~, the thing would basically pop out before I really wanted it to. No bueno.

So, for years, I figured it was me. No way would I risk tampons. I would instead, wear the heavy pads and hope for no leaks. It was messy and well, I'm here to tell you, it doesn't need to be that way.

Not all tampons work for all fat women. The two varieties I tried were the ones my mom used and the ones that I tried in the bathrooms at school. They were relatively hard little puffs of cotton. I picture them as pellets that would shoot from my vagina. Not a good thing.

So, one day several years ago, I tried tampons again. The clouds opened and a ray of sunshine fell upon my head. It was a miracle. These tampons stayed...and did the whole "dam up the pipes and collect goodness along the way" job...and they were predictable. It was a beautiful thing! Tampons had become my friends. (For those who really need to know, they are Kotex Security brand).

For years, I've relied upon these plugs o' goodness for my sanity. Then, one day recently, while on vacation, I needed some while at a filling station. They didn't have my brand. So, with naive confidence that somehow my vagina had suddenly learned how to use the hard cotton plugs of old, I gave it a good old college try.

Bullets of bloody cotton were shot from my loins. (Artistic license!)

Not all tampons work for all fat women.

Try different brands until you find the one. You will be glad you did.

Las Vegas Show Tips for Fat Chicks

For those of us in the "fatter than average" category, oftentimes going to theatrical shows can be a problem. Live theaters are often fitted with the smallest seats on Earth. It's been years since I've been to a Broadway production in NYC, but man, I still remember the pain of the cheap, nosebleed TXTS seats we had for one performance. The seats were ultra narrow and the rows were just as narrow. I spent two + hours crammed into a seat with my thighs around the head of the person in front of me. No where to move. Aaack.

Anyway, for my recent birthday, I wanted to go with my friends to a show in Vegas that would be accomodating for the fatty-puffs in my crowd. The two that came up in my searches were the couch seating for Zumanity and the Wynn's VIP seating for La Reve. Zumanity was dark that week, so no luck there. La Reve showed no seats available for the nights we were there. Booo. I didn't have a lot of lead time, so I didn't find any other spots available. So, I pretty much trashed the idea.

To make a long story short, my sister ended up calling around while we were down there. She found out that La Reve had one VIP seat available and the rest of the party could sit in the row directly in front. BONUS! So, yeah, because it was my birthday celebration, I got the VIP ticket with champagne, chocolate covered strawberries, my own sweet waitress, an LCD screen with underwater action...and...and...the most comfortable live theater seat I've ever experienced. ME! The fat chick! Comfortable at a live theater performance! Yeah, it was a good night! The champagne was good and the strawberries weren't half bad either.

The only drawback to the VIP seating -- the price. If you're going for a special occasion, the $200 isn't tooo...tooo...toooo bad. It's only ~$50 more than the regular seats, so if you're fat and fabulous (or even just fabulous) and looking to have a sweet water-filled theater experience in Vegas, check it out! Even the regular seats were larger than typical seats, not super comfortable for super-size, but not bad for average size people. Oh, and, I love the Wynn as a casino and restaurant stop, too -- extra comfy slot chairs and yummy food. A great all around experience in Vegas! Here's info on the show at the Wynn.

Arches National Park

If you're looking for something to see this summer and you happen to find yourself in southern Utah, I heartily recommend Arches National Park. My most recent visit was yesterday with my sister and my step-daughter. It showed me even more things than I had missed in my previous visits. Everytime I go, something new pops into view. There really is so much to see, and it has this "other world" feeling that you don't find just anywhere. And for $10/car for admission, you can't find much cheaper family entertainment.

I hope to make a camping trip of it this summer. Baking in a tent on some purty red rock sounds like fun at this point. Of course when it's 120 this summer, it may not sound like such a huge blast, but I'm sure that pretty red rock will keep me warm at night! Anyway, check it out when you get a chance. You won't be disappointed.

Curious Behavior

Seeing the photo to the left, I'm going to guess that most people believe that FLDS polygamy and potential child abuse is probably the "curious behavior" about which I'm writing, but no. Something suspiciously odd has hit me about this whole situation. Perhaps, it's just my exposure to some of the history of the LDS (not the FLDS) church here in Utah and it's wranglings with the US military back in the late 1800s...

What I find odd...and somewhat suspicious... behind the removal of the members of that compound:

1. They took busloads of women and children out in a First Baptist buses. I'm guessing that the US Govt has been planning this for some time, so why did they use a church bus to remove the individuals? There's a long history of distress between LDS and Baptists. Their views are very similar, yet just enough to cause some hatred between 'em. (I've known a couple of strict Baptists who hated the mormons, yet when they took the "Belief o' Matic" test, they came up scoring highest as Latter Day Saints aka Mormon.) So, while the FLDS is even more *out there* than straight-up LDS, it seems curious that the government would use church buses to move the women and children. Why involve the First Baptists at all if this was strictly a child protection/police matter?

2. While I certainly believe there is child abuse going on in the Texas compound, I wonder how much more prevalent it is than in the US population as a whole? Take 180 kids anywhere in the US and you'll probably find 18+ who have been sexually abused in this country. So, one girl makes a call from the Texas compound to get help and we invade and tear apart the entire compound? Granted, there should be zero children being abused, but it makes me think the government is on a crusade against the oddity that is the FLDS in a religious and "polygamist" sense than in the protection of the children. It's as if the unknown ways of their world MUST BE wrong. But, from what I know, polygamy isn't illegal unless one tries to gain multiple government sanctioned marriage licenses. Living on a compound with 50 women and 1 man isn't illegal. It is odd, but only because we come from a "1 to 1" based societal norm. Also, while it's creepy to hear of a 16 year old getting married to a fifty year old man, it's not illegal in the state of Texas. So, why are we there??

I fear that when we attack small fringe groups like this, we're doing it NOT for the good of the people involved, but only to get the "nut jobs" to conform to our belief system.

Eh, I could be wrong, but it just seems too curious to simply discount....

Photoshop Disasters - The Blog

Looking back at some of my digital manipulations, I know I've made some silly errors. Maybe that's what makes this blog, Photoshop Disasters, so dang funny! Be sure to check out Madonna's microcephalic head here. Good stuff! I should add, too, that this is a great site to send to women (or men!) struggling with body image issues. Especially those who think that cover models, celebrities, etc *really* look that way. Take this as an example.